a pocket full of hope.

Replace lies with truth.

2009-09-23T11:38:00.000-07:00

To you,

Has someone told that you were ugly, a failure, you weren't wanted, you were an accident, that you wouldn't add up to anything or that God didn't love you? Maybe someone made you feel that you weren't good enough or something was wrong with you because you look a little different than others, that you had no value, that you were sick because you are gay or some other reason.

Listen...

They were wrong.

They lied.

You don't have to believe those lies any longer.

Throw them away.

Spit them out.

You are an amazing person.

Beautiful.

An incredible gift.

You may not see that now.

Hang on.

You will.

Maybe you don't see any point in pushing through anymore.

Don't let go.

You are too precious.

Don't let them win.

You are too precious.

I know this is tough. It's hard and it hurts like hell.

Keep fighting. Keep pushing through.

You are worth it.

It will be ok. You will find freedom.

You are wonderful.

You are loved.

You are adored.

You are cherished.

Take back those truths that were once stolen from.

Believe them.
Receive them.
Rest in them.

Whether you have been sexually abused, verbally abused, mentally abused, spiritually abused or physically abused, these words were written for you.

I hope you chase after and find healing, rest, freedom and peace.

You are beautiful and you are loved.

2009-08-12T06:41:00.000-07:00

There's something very important I want to tell you. Yes-YOU. The one who is reading this.

There is something I want to say because you need to know, so please read this slowly and listen carefully. May it sink deeply in to your heart.

You are a beautiful.

You were created full of exquisite beauty, like a bright flower with extraordinary color, every part of you was made unique. There were no mistakes made when you were created, no accidents or errors were involved.

You are adored.
You are cherished.
You are a favorite.
You are beautiful.
You are loved.
You were wonderfully made.

You are loved with a love that reaches down to the very depths of your inner being to touch your every ache and pain. A love that desires to hold you close and show you how beautiful you are.

You are welcomed to the table and you are accepted. You are to be a part of this dance with the rest of us. You have a part to play in this beautiful song.

Be good to yourself.
Be gentle on yourself.
Be kind to yourself.

Celebrate you this day.

YOU are beautiful and loved.

26 days and a final thought.

2009-04-27T20:57:00.000-07:00

I'm getting married. Did I mention that?

Yeah, I think I did. I'm rather giddy about this. I mean really. Who would've thought? Not me. But, I am. I'm getting married.......in 26 days.

There is so much that I want to say, so much I want to share. But not now.

I hope to start writing more again, after the wedding. But for now let me just say this......

Let us love one another with pure hearts, without selfish motives.
Let us build each other up rather than spending so much time tearing each other down. If we have made a wrong, perhaps we could go back a make it right....it could change everything.

We have more power than we realize.
We have the power to hurt. The power to heal.
The power to tear someone down and the power to build someone up.
The power to love and help others to love and the power to hate and help others to hate.

May we be so very careful with the power which has been gifted to us.

Amen.

THE STRAIGHT PILL

2009-03-13T17:02:00.000-07:00

WORTH READING!

(Click the title)

What's goin on?

2009-02-17T09:18:00.000-08:00

What going on with me lately...

1.) I'm getting married....in 95 days!!!

I'm very excited about this. Never thought I would be THIS excited about getting married, but I am. This love is such an incredible gift.

2.)I have a goal of losing 50 lbs by the wedding.

No, not because I want to fit into my wedding attire. Not for Michelle or anyone else, but for me. It has been bothering me for sometime and the wedding date is a somewhat of a challenge date to lose 50 lbs. I have lost 11 lbs. thus far.

3.) I have been recalling where I have been in the past year with reconciling my faith with my sexuality. What an amazing journey. I have learned a lot and have so much peace. Not to mention I have never been happier than I am now. Who says you can't have it all?

4.) I've been playing a lot of Scrabble lately. Schwooooo.

5.) That's really it for now. Perhaps I will write something aw inspiring someday.

Peace to you all. Take care of each other, love one another and enjoy this one life that God gave us.

Honest Conversations.

2009-01-21T18:19:00.001-08:00

The title says it all.

Honest.
Real.
Powerful.

Click on the title of this post to order the book and learn more about the author.

GO. CLICK. ORDER. READ. ENJOY.

Merry Christmas to you ALL!

2008-12-24T12:21:00.002-08:00

I wish you ALL Peace, Love and Joy!

"Brothers and sisters the choice is ours now."

2008-12-23T09:56:00.000-08:00

Click the link above.

Worth reading.

2008-12-12T09:29:00.000-08:00

Click the above heading.

I said yes.

2008-11-22T06:09:00.000-08:00

Friday 11/21/08

10:45 p.m. - She asked me.

10:45 p.m. - I said yes.

10:46 p.m. - She slipped a ring on my finger. A unique design, 3 cords of gold and silver wrapped within one another. She explained that one cord is her, one is me and the other is God holding us together.

This woman never ceases to amaze me. She fills me and completes me in every way.

I am living a dream that has come true.

I choose love.

2008-11-13T13:12:00.000-08:00

"Will we be extremists for hate or will we be extremists for love? Will we be extremists for the preservation of injustice - or will we be extremists for the cause of justice?"
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Worth listening to.

2008-11-11T20:27:00.000-08:00

Do the right thing.

2008-10-29T19:44:00.000-07:00

If you don't know what which way you are voting yet on Proposition 8, here are some key things to remember....................

Don't vote a certain way because your friends or family are voting that way. You are much too smart for this.

Don't vote a certain way just because your Pastor thinks you should.

Don't vote a certain way because some folks have scared you into a believing that very bad things are going to happen. Ask yourself what those bad things may really be.

If you are confused on how to vote on Prop 8, just take some time to really sit down and think about it for yourself. If you are convinced that you should vote yes on Prop 8, ask yourself if you are voting yes for your own reasons or for the reasoning of others. Also, ask yourself again if they are truly for the right reasons. Please.

Think about what many Californians are asking of you. They are asking you to keep the same rights as you already have. They are asking you not to take them away from them. Nothing more.

They are not asking for special benefits or tax cuts, they are asking for equal rights and to give ANYONE anything less than equal rights is wrong, unfair, discriminates and unconstitutional.

Do the right thing, vote NO on Proposition 8.

Rest

2008-09-10T16:11:00.000-07:00

In Matthew 11:28, Jesus said...............

”Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

I will give you rest.

REST.

Not a smack in the face, not a swift kick, but rest. He didn't say come a little closer so I can slap you upside the head. He said "Come......I will give you rest."

He didn't say “Come to me, all.....except the lesbians.” He said all.

All can rest in him.

REST

Many times its hard to hear that message through the loud voices of this world telling us to do things their way.

The greatest law

2008-09-05T11:00:00.000-07:00

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." -Jesus (John 13:34)

"Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person." -Anonymous

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. -Romans 12:9-13

Love seeketh not itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care,
But for another gives its ease,
And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.

-William Blake, Songs of Experience

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. -1 Peter 4:8

......"love your neighbor as yourself." Leviticus 19:18 / Matthew 19:19

No cord or cable can draw so forcibly, or bind so fast, as love can do with a single thread.
-Robert Burton

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." -Jesus
Love is a choice you make from moment to moment. -Barbara de Angelis

The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. -Galatians 5:13-15

When I think about love, I often find myself thinking about Jesus. For me, it's through him that I learn how to love genuinely each day. It is where I understand and practice the word sacrifice and selflessness. It is through him that I learn I am really not all that, but you are. It is by his example that I learn to love deeply, often feeling the pain and grief of my fellow brothers and sisters. It is through the understanding of his own life, that I learn what love really looks like. When I think about Jesus, I can't help but think about love and when I think about love, I can't help but think about Jesus and the life of Jesus.

I want to to touch the hem of his garment, not only to be healed, but to learn more of what it means to love.

Yes, if there is one law to hang on to, let it be the law of love. Let us love each other with pure hearts and pure motives.

New adventures

2008-08-23T21:03:00.000-07:00

We have arrived at seminary and have moved into our quaint, little apartment that is on campus. I love it! We all love it. It's simple. I love simple.

We live in a small 500 and some odd square foot apartment that has character! The toilet talks back at ya when you flush it. Personally I think it's just letting you know you have done a good job flushing. I love this place. We have this common area that is like a wonderful backyard with this huge tree that expands across our bedroom and living room windows. I feel like we live in a tree house, it's great.

There are so many wonderful things about this place, I just love! What I love most about it is the community. We have become friends with the lady across the hall from us. Her and her daughter are here most every night for dinner and her daughter has become best friends with our oldest. We are constantly borrowing and swapping things, picking things up for each other and just taking care of each other. I like that. To me, this is how it should be.

It's not just the lady across the hall either, the same community attitude is with most everyone we have met here within the last 3 weeks. I imagine it will only get better and I will not want to leave in a few years. We have community potluck dinners once a month and I have come to realize I love to cook again (more than ever). I love to have the neighbors over and the neighborhood kids over for dinner. Some nights there will be 8-9 of us sharing a meal together. Yup, I like that.

The girls are adjusting very well to everything. I was very concerned with how they were going to be with the downsizing of all their stuff, but they have done great with it. All the kids around here will start school on Monday and we will resume homeschooling with them. This is also a new experience for me. I did a little with them at the tail end of the school year last year, but it is all still very new to me.

Michelle is also starting Monday and has a crazy schedule! I know she is looking forward to it and I'm just so excited for her that all of this is happening. Her passion, her desire and her call, it's all coming together.

As for me, I am still getting use to being a stay at home mom, which I love. Staying at home is giving me a lot more time to look deeper into my faith, the word and some of the things I have been taught. I've been exploring and learning so much. I look forward to more.

Tomorrow (Sunday), for the first time we will be going to the church that Michelle has been assigned to for at least the next 2 years while she is in seminary. They aren't classified as open and affirming, which is what we have been use to in the past year.

It will be interesting and I look forward to all of it.

New adventures. They are great.

Time for a change

2008-08-22T20:29:00.001-07:00

Although this isn't the greatest background, I just couldn't take the pink any longer.

Random thoughts

2008-08-22T08:48:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me this question today.......

"When are going to write something new on your site?"

Well, that's a very good question. There seems to be so much going on in my life, my head, my heart right now that I'm just not certain what to write about......yet. I have so very little to say, yet I feel like have a lot to say. Pondering and muling over so many things.

Here is just one of my random thoughts that is flooding my mind at the moment.........

(Please note when I use the word "we" I am including myself first and foremost.)

I have been visiting numerous blogs and a consistent thing I see is Christians getting irritated at other Christians when they explore their faith. Here's a question. Why is it when Christian #1 has different views than Christian #2, Christian #1 gets so angry and upset to the point of saying such things like "You're evil," "you're an unbeliever", "way to go twist scripture", "you work for Satan" "you're going to hell or "you're a damn liberal".

Aren't we really just saying "You are not a Christian" because you don't think like I do?" And really, what kind of example are we really setting for everyone else? We are just making asses of ourselves when we act like this. (Yes, I said it.) We look like immature little children pitching a fit when we don't get our own way.

I wonder when do we back off from one another and actually begin to trust that the Holy Spirit will guide that person through their faith? I hear "have faith and trust God" a lot. If we tell someone that, shouldn't we be ok with them searching and testing things? Don't we have enough faith and trust in God and the Holy Spirit that people will find their way to truth? Or are we just so arrogant enough to think that that person will not find the truth unless we beat it in to them?

If that person doesn't come to believe like we believe about a particular subject, so what! Big deal! Get over it! This does not give us a free pass to treat that person like garbage or a second class citizen, does it? No. I think not.

Now please understand what I'm saying. I'm not talking about two mature adults, sharing their differences with one another in a conversation. I'm not talking about people sharing different ideas with one another. I'm talking about those folks out there who take the competition attitude with one another and can't even hear each other because they are too busy trying to think of another insult to hurl at the other person.

I'm certain if we lay our differences down, we may be able to have some wonderful conversations where iron actually sharpens iron. Instead of tearing each other down, I hope we can continue to work with one another, allowing room for each other's differences.

I think there is a huge difference between trying to be more like Jesus and trying to be Jesus himself and that is a whole other post within itself.

I'm not really mad, just a bit frustrated. It's heartbreaking to see people tear each other down just so they can feel right or superior.

Let us be sensitive and have love, mercy, grace and compassion for one another.

Seems simple enough, doesn't it?

A very brief description of our first family vacation.....

2008-07-23T21:05:00.000-07:00

It was absolutely incredible, in so many ways! I wish I had time to give all the details, but I have a lot of boxes calling my name and a few walls that are calling for some paint. We will be moving within the week and we have two weeks worth of work to do. So for now, I will just share 8 out of the 226 pictures we took.

The amazing cottage we stayed at, full loaded with all a

family could need. These guys didn't miss anything.

The amazing cottage at sunset.

Just a peek in to the living room and kitchen.

Wonderful sunsets on the beach across from our cabin.

God showing off in his incredible skies.

A storm on the move and...............a tree.

My culinary skills.

The kids loved it and that's all that matters and

yes, that is two pieces of bacon hair and an egg gotee.

The amazing cabin, beach, water and fabulous sunsets were just a FEW things we were blessed with in our 10 days of vacationing. Family week was packed with activities, events and making new friends with other GLBT families. I see God's hand and God's love moving in such a mighty way in the glbt community. I plan to share more later, but for now, packing and painting await me!

Be blessed!

It's time to move forward.

2008-07-06T18:29:00.000-07:00

It's time to move forward. Wow, I mean that in so many more ways than just one. Inside I feel as if I am moving forward and moving on from despair, grief, heartache and confusion. I feel reconciled. Even more now than six months ago. I don't feel like there are anymore homosexuality and God questions to have answered. I have peace. It's time, time to move on, press on, pack my bags, move out of the closet, pressing in and getting down to my Father's business. On that note, there is still much to do........

As one of the last times we will be spending some time together for awhile, me, Michelle, the girls, my Mother, Brother and second cousin, who is like a niece to me, will spend the day at Six Flags riding the rides that make you feel young again or just sick. Then Wed. we will be off to Michigan for 10 day.....family vacation, me, Michelle and the girls! Our first family vacation and perhaps even our last one for awhile.

I know, Michigan may seem to be a strange place to go on vacation, however they are having diversity family days in a small, charming town which sits along the beautiful shore of Lake Michigan. I'm looking forward to it. Prior to living here in good ole' Missouri, AKA Missoura, I lived in Michigan for 15 years, so it will be good to visit with a few friends and dive in to all the planned activities with the kids throughout the week.

Then when we come home, we will continue on with the adventure of painting, sorting, packing and cleaning in between taking the girls to horse camps, softball and tee ball practices and games, all to be done, completed and come to an end by July 31st. That is the day we move. Seminary, here we come. A new city, a new home, new faces, a new church and new opportunities.

There is much to do and of course, we don't have as much done as I would like us too. Michelle, being the more calmer one, assures me that we will get everything done by the 31st. I'm skeptical......but always hopeful.

I'm really excited about the upcoming changes in our lives. I see some wonderful opportunities coming up around the corner. Do I know what they are? No, not so much. But it's ok, I feel it. Do you ever just feel when God is about to do some stuff? Yeah, it's exciting.

It has been an amazing journey thus far. Just to watch the way things have come together the way they have amazes me. The most recent event has been the decision to sell the house or rent it. Now we all know the housing market isn't that fabulous right now and with that being the case, we decided to rent the house for now. Bare with me for a moment, because I'm going to talk about a few of our animals only because they tie hand and hand. We have two older dogs, a lab and a husky that we have needed to find homes for. We have been running out of options (good options) and we were becoming concerned. Until it happened. Some good folks who have a big family needed a big house to rent and said it would be fine for the two dogs to stay with the house.

Wow! I thought....."Who does that? " as I smile and thank the Lord.

Anyway, things have been coming together without a push and we are on our way.

However, for the time being, with much to do and very little time to do it, I won't be posting anything for awhile......I don't think. ;) However, I will still be visiting my favorite places, dropping a line or two to you. When things settle down, I'm sure I will have much to say. Until then, I ask that you pray for us as we take another step forward in this awesome journey with God.

Be blessed and.........May your cup be so full that love overflows from you on to the person.

The Message

2008-06-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

I visit the bible quite often and many times I find myself exploring through different versions. Lately I've been reading the Message. I'm fascinated at the simplicity of it's wording, although long at times. Here are some popular scriptures that have really spoken volumes in my own life and The Message just has a whole other way of capturing their meanings.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." -Matthew 11:28-30 (Jesus)

.......”I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. 12"When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. 13-14"When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." Jeremiah 29:11-13 (God)

"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. Luke 12:43-47 (Jesus)

"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor. -Matthew 7:1-5 (Jesus)

"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. -Matthew 5:43-47 (Jesus)

But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Galatians 5:22 (Paul)

Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. Galatians 6:1-3 (Paul)

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled. 1 Corinthians 13:1-10 (Paul)

God—you're my God! I can't get enough of you! I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God, traveling across dry and weary deserts. So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, drinking in your strength and glory. In your generous love I am really living at last! My lips brim praises like fountains. I bless you every time I take a breath; My arms wave like banners of praise to you. I eat my fill of prime rib and gravy; I smack my lips. It's time to shout praises! If I'm sleepless at midnight, I spend the hours in grateful reflection. Because you've always stood up for me, I'm free to run and play. I hold on to you for dear life, and you hold me steady as a post. Psalm 63:1-8 (David.....out of the wilderness.)

Thanks

2008-06-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling all weepy and emotional today. No, it's not what some of you may be thinking, I think it has been building up for the last month. There have been some touchy and sensitive conversations, some very tender and emotional conversations and some very tough conversations going on and I keep thinking about the folks that I have bumped in to along the way int he blog world.

My thoughts are towards those who are fighting the good fight with love, compassion, sincerity and without ulterior or personal motives. It's about the folks who are genuinely encouraging others, building them up and relentlessly challenging all of us to think a little differently about people, beliefs and life than we did before. My thoughts are about those who are willing to come outside the box, outside the walls, outside of themselves to truly minster to others. You will fight the unjust and you will fight for justice. You are not afraid to stand up or perhaps at times, you are, but you still stand.

To you all, I am grateful. I have been touched by your stories, your passion, your love, your wisdom and your encouragement. I have been blessed and touched by many things that you have said and shared.

Here are just a few of the folks I have been thinking about....................

My entire blog roll and then some. (And I truly mean that.)

(Anita, Lindsey, Kelli, Christian, Christi, Bon, Joni, C, C, Jon and more.)

You take a risk in putting yourself, your thoughts, your lives out there for the whole world to see each time you write. I really appreciate all of you and I thank you.

In short.........YOU ROCK!

Chrsitian witnessing.........3 questions.

2008-06-13T17:22:00.000-07:00

After having a few conversations with people this week over a completely different subject, I have found myself thinking a lot about "witnessing".

What does it mean to you?

How would you "witness" to someone?

Could "witnessing" in a certain manner hurt someone more than help them?

Please, tell me your thoughts and feelings on this.

Motives

2008-06-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

One of the HARDEST times I have ever had in my life was not that long ago. I had already made the decision not to let go of Michelle and was in the thick of trying figure out how to reconcile my faith with being gay, in that order. That's sounds somewhat easy, but no, not so much. Something like that is never easy, especially when you are learning how to develop and have a healthy relationship with someone and also learning how to be a good parent to a 5 and 8 year old.

Things changed in my life quickly and although I have loved all the new experiences with Michelle and the girls, I had my own personal struggle going on inside, my own little personal hell. Being tugged back and forth between whether I was doing the wrong thing or the right thing and whether or not I could be gay and still follow God. Wow, did I hear a lot of things and for the longest time, I believed that maybe those things were coming from God. At one point I thought maybe God was being a little too hard core with me, something I have yet to experience.

I soon realized that it wasn't God tossing me back and forth everywhere, it was man! I realized this at around the same time that I began to learn a lot about motives. Bare with me for a bit. Now, I have gone through one of the famous ex gay programs and I have heard time and time again what the church has to say about homosexuality and there are quite of few people on the net willing to add to all the negativity and hype. Anyway, my point being, I, like many others and by various methods have been slapped upside the head with how sick I am, how perverted and dysfunctional I am, how I can't be gay and God's too, how I'm selfish and a backslider and blah, blah, blah, blah.

So, after time, these little messages would take hold of me, they would pop up and play over and over again in my head. The confusion was heavy and thick. There were some days that I would just cry because I wanted the confusion to stop, it was torturous. Now some may say, "yeah, you were torn because you were going against God and yielding to your sin." Yeah, I thought that too for a moment until I realized that was really wasn't the truth.

The message was we (we=gay folks) were suppose to be people who didn't really care about God, who were selfishly out to satisfy our own lusts and desires. We were suppose to be unhappy, unhealthy, self centered people with a lot of drama going on. We were suppose to be those people who had no morals, no ethics and an agenda. We were suppose to be abnormal. We were suppose to be the message that I have heard time and time again and the message that kept playing over and over again in my head.

My life didn't seem to match up to that message, I didn't seem to match up to that message and neither did Michelle. This love was like nothing I have ever experienced and our focus seemed to be on the right things...God, each other, the kids, family, the Father's business and His people. We were/are doing the work of the Lord in and out of the 4 walls that many call church. This wasn't coinciding with the message I had always received about us gay folks.

I do believe another reason I felt conflicted was not only because our life did not represent the typical stereo type, but because of how I lived prior to accepting Christ. I was doing some questionable things and feared that I would fall back in to those things. I am pretty sure that I have attempted to set myself up for failure. Like somewhere inside of me, I said "Ok, now that you decided to be gay again :), God turned has turned his back on you, he has let you go, now you are going to really fall. You're going to fall back into all your old ways and then some.

I think I may have said this in a previous post, maybe not, but I did attempt to pick up some of the things from my past, bad habits I once had, bad behaviors. I did this for a moment and it scared me, because I di dthink I was becoming that person again. But I quickly realized that wasn't me anymore, I was different now and each time I attempted to go back, there he was, still loving me.

Anyway, back to motive. In the midst of all the struggling, wrestling with God and attempting to find my way through the thick cloud of confusion, I was prompted to think about motive. What was the motive in my heart for being with Michelle? Were they real and genuine or were they selfish? Did they come from a pure heart or one plagued with selfish desires? It was like I was being asked "what is your business here?" Is is to be selfish or selfless? I also began asking that same question about other people and the things they do and say, but I think I will save that for a whole other post.

I started asking myself questions like.....

Was my motive to be with her because I was lonely and needed to fill a void? Uh, no, I had no void. Seriously, I was full, I was happy. I had a void prior to Christ, but I did not before Michelle and I still don't.

Was I afraid of living alone for the rest of my life? Nope. As strange as that sounds, not at all. I accepted the fact that I may die alone. That was ok, because I really never felt alone. I was all good as long as I could do the Lord's work.

Was it because she spoiled me with her endless giving without requirements? Um, no. Although I find that so very sweet, I didn't really need much to begin with. I lived pretty modestly. Didn't have much, didn't need much. (Haven't always been like that, it was something the Lord taught me.)

Was it because I was attention deprived and I needed my ego fed? Nope. I got a lot of positive attention and I really didn't care if I got a drop more.

Was it because she adored me and would do anything for me? Well, yeah. Partially. But isn't that a part of being in love? Sure it is! I adore her and would do anything for her too! Hm. that doesn't sound lustful or sinful. I searched out my heart and the motives of my heart and asked every question I could that had everything to do with those negative little stereo types I learned throughout my life and in the ex gay school.

It appears that the motives of my heart are true and pure. To love Michelle with all my heart, selflessly, even on the days I want to do nothing but think about myself. All while attempting to keep God first in all things and trying to figure out what it means to be more like Jesus. Along with serving and loving all of God's people while working endlessly at raising two children to grow in love and helping them to become Godly, selfless and conscience about serving others. That is my agenda, those are my motives and those are the things we are doing.

I believe God honors that.

As we see in the bible so many times, Jesus gets a little annoyed because the Pharisees would ask him a question about the law. I don't believe Jesus got annoyed because of the questions, but because of their motives behind the questions. He knew what was in there heart and he knows what is in mine.

The stereo types are being broken down and shattered. The little negative messages that were brought to me by way of churches, pastors, the ex gay ministry and some other Christians are being laid to rest.

I once heard this little saying, ironically from a man who was attempting to be straight. He said-

"God didn't call us to be heterosexual or homosexual, he called us to be holy."

Be holy.

"Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don't ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise."

-Philippians 4:8

Let's be friends

2008-06-09T11:15:00.000-07:00

I found this wonderful blog called "Let's be friends"

Check it out.

http://letsbefriends.blogspot.com/

38 years, 2 hours and 5 minutes ago.

2008-06-03T08:25:00.000-07:00

38 years, 2 hours and 5 minutes ago, you brought me into this world. This day, with family and friends, we will celebrate my life, my birth. But in my heart, I celebrate you. I cannot stop praising you and thanking you. Tears of joy fill my eyes, I am totally overwhelmed Lord with your love for me.

My life is so full, my cup truly over flows and I'm beginning to see that again, this is just the beginning. Sometimes I can't even put in to words the joy you have filled my life with because most times, it still seems to good to be true.

Today, I thank you Lord for creating me, for raising me, for showing me who I am and for making me yours. I thank you for never leaving me and never forsaking me.

5 years ago I wouldn't have been thanking the Lord for creating me. I would have been the one saying "I didn't ask to be born". For me, today is a day to reflect on the good things the Lord has done in my life. I am thanking Him for creating me because, had I not even been born, I would not have gotten to experience all of His beauty, which is everywhere! Had I never been born I would have never experienced love the way I am experiencing it now.

Thank you Lord, thank you so much.

My heart's desires are being filled. I am in awe and I am overwhelmed.

For those of you reading this. Again, I apologize for the lack of spacing paragraphs. I have yet to figure out why some of my entries appear this why and why other's don't. There seems to be no way to fix it. Apologies if you find it difficult to read.

What's goin' on!

2008-05-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

Some have asked, so here you go! Highlights of my life in the last 30 days.

I'm a stay at home mom now! WOW! It's an adjustment, but I love it!

I got the privilege of teaching our 5 year how to ride a bike.....without training wheels! She hit a tree twice, cried and then said "I wanna do it again!" I love that child! She is now officially riding on two wheels.

Working with our 8 year old on how to hold, swing a bat and hit a softball. She has a great stance! Both girls have been going to softball camp this week, so they should be pro's by their next game.

How blessed am I that I get to share in these great moments with them!

I had a wonderful Mother's day! My first one. Cute little homemade cards and little gifts. Michelle's ex-husband, who is in another country right now, called that day to wish us a Happy Mother's Day and told all of us to go out to dinner, his treat. I thought that was sweet.

I mentioned before that my Mom's reaction to me still being gay was one that was comforting. That was her initial reaction. It has been sort of a uncomfortable, bumpy, rocky road for the last 6 months. I think I will share more about this in a separate post but for now, let me just summarize. It became hard on her, she has spent much time working through the fact that I'm still gay and the many things that come with all of that. I think her biggest concern though has been me becoming the person I once was. I can honestly say that I wasn't living a life that was pleasing to the Lord.

The Lord has comforted me so much in this time. Where I have wanted to jump in and help her and my step dad through things, I felt that I was to leave them be, allow them to work through things on their own, in their own time, in their own way and in the meantime, pray and trust that the Lord will work things out.

There were some uncomfortable moments, sad moments and things said throughout that time, but just last week, my mom and I sat down together and she shared with me something the Lord had shown her about me being gay. It was something He had also shared with me in such a perfect time. It was something that makes me tear up each time I recall it. The way His tender, gentle, majestic voice spoke to both of us weeks apart from one another. I believe my Mom has a greater understanding of the love Michelle and I share, as I do too.

This has also been a time for them to get to know more about one another. My Mom just loves Michelle, thinks she is pretty incredible. (Me too!) One of the things my Mom had mentioned when we were talking is that she is noticing that I'm not the same as I was before and things seem much different. She commented on the fact that Michelle and I seem to have a healthy, loving relationship and life together.

I believe our actions and how we live our lives speaks greater volumes than any words ever said in trying to prove a point to someone.

We just had my Mom, step Dad, brother, Michelle's Mom and some friends came over Monday, we shared a meal together. That was the first time they all came over, together. It was wonderful. Things and people seem to be coming together.

We have been coming out to others when it's time and of course, when others find out. Reactions have been different, you can never predict how one will react. I have lost some friends and have also gained some new ones.

Michelle remains incredible, phenomenal. So many times, she leaves me speechless with her selfless love. She has been busy with the church, making new connections and preparations for the next two years in seminary.

With all the upcoming changes, we have found ourselves having some wonderful opportunities to have some dialogue with other Christians who have looked at things much differently than we do, mainly with the topic of homosexuality. They have been challenging conversations, yet I have seen the love of God prevail and Christians come together regardless of differences. I always find it refreshing when this happens.

I am seeing the great work of the Lord being done, beliefs being challenged, (my own included), religion being set aside, people coming together, hearts opening to the endless possibilities of God and His great love for all His people, Jews and GENTILES alike.

I see more and more of His call on my life and Michelle's. I try to keep my arms and heart wide open to receive.

For Hope...

2008-05-29T09:24:00.000-07:00

wormwoodsdoxy.blogspot.com has published a post titled "For Hope".

If you are out there Hope, we would love to hear something from you. We miss you, we hope you are doing well and we will continue to keep you in our prayers.

Two questions

2008-05-19T11:30:00.000-07:00

1.) What does "love one another" look like to you?

2.) What does "love thy neighbor" look like to you?

Sisterfriends

2008-05-07T20:03:00.000-07:00

I cannot even begin to express how much comfort, encouragement and support I have found in my reconciliation journey through http://www.sisterfriends-together.org.

If you haven't been here yet and you are attempting to reconcile your faith with your sexuality, go there. It is a safe place where you find Anita, an amazing, wonderfully gifted woman of God, who offers so much comfort, wisdom, support and encouragement. You will also find others who can relate and who share their stories.

Recently she has encouraged folks to take a 4 day challenge. A challenge that has helped me find a greater peace and freedom than I have ever had before.

Again, it's http://www.sisterfriends-together.org

Go there, get encouraged. GO and be blessed.

You're not welcome here anymore.

2008-05-03T17:39:00.001-07:00

No more!

Enough.

I'm done.

Done.

Go on.

You are not welcome here anymore

You have been here far too long and you are not welcome here anymore.

I will not take another punch, another kick or another slap.

I won't be bruised by your condemnation any longer.

I will not take you pushing me, tugging me or toying with me anymore.

I will not dance for you any longer.

When you try to tell me that I'm nothing,
when you try to tell me that I am disgusting,
I will not hear you because I will no longer listen.

I will not listen to your voices of condemnation,

because I know I'm His, washed in His blood, set aside and filled with His love.

I will take your abuse no more, I'm kicking you out and shutting the door.

You take up too much space, too much thought and you waste too much of my time.

It's time for you to be moving on.

You are not welcome here anymore.

If you have a problem with this, take it up with the Master.

Hit the road Jack and don't ya come back no more, no more, no more, no more.

Hit the road Jack and don't ya come back no more.... Whatchoo say!

Wow. That felt good.

JESUS

His love covers me,

His love fills me,

His love holds me tight.

I will fill my heart with His truth and live in His light.

I know He adores me and I believe He loves me..... just as I am

For those moments that we forget we are beautiful and when we forget we are His.

When we doubt that He loves us just as we are and when we forget that He adores us.

For those moments we struggle hearing Him because the voices of hatred, doubt & condemnation has drowned out His loving, gentle voice.

I'm learning to say........

"You're not welcome here anymore."

Thank you Lord for loving me, for beckoning me & asking me to be as you've made me.....yours.

Praise you.

For anyone reading this, I apologize for the lack of paragraph seperation. I have tried to adjust and fix the problem, but no matter what I do, it doesn't seem to work on this post.

Kids say the darnest things at the darnest times.

2008-04-30T17:18:00.000-07:00

What a day.

Right now I stay home on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday's with our 2 beautiful little girls, 5 and 8 and soon it will be full time. Now, I'm kind of new to the realm of raising children and it has taken a lot of energy focusing on them and learning how to do this. We home school (yes, new at that too) and today, while in the middle of doing school work with the girls, cooking a roast and replacing the guts of a broken toilet, grandma and grandpa came by to visit (I forgot they were coming today).

These are the parents of Michelle's ex-husband and they don't really know much of anything except that Michelle and their son are recently divorced. What I mean by this is, they don't know Michelle is gay, she has a partner, we are moving soon so Michelle can finish up seminary. The house is a mess, somewhat empty and we just started to take wallpaper off the walls. Over the weekend we had a garage/estate sale, sold most of the big items in the house to make way for the smaller items we will need when we move in August, we are moving from a 3,000 sq. ft. home into a 563 sq. ft. on campus. Nice and cozy! :)

So, they walk in the house, I say hi, they say hi and then she looked into the kitchen, where the wallpaper is partially off on one side of the room, another wall is naked because we just stripped it and there is no more furniture in there anymore, because we sold it. So, I'm sure this raised some questions, which I learned very quickly she is fast at whipping out the questions.

Is she moving? Did she sell the house? Where is she moving?

Oh my word, on the spot, no way out of it. I answered. So, now the woman is about to faint. She goes in to the living room and has a seat. I'm standing there wondering what I should do. I decide to allow grandma and grandpa time with their grand babies, in other words........hide. :)

After the questioning I received in the foyer, I was afraid. Very afraid. Afraid that she may interrogate me more if I hung out with them in the living room . While in the bedroom, texting Michelle the events that were unfolding, I kept thinking, wow this is awkward for all of us.I wonder who these folks think I am? This could get even more awkward if they are briefed by the girls about all the things that are changing in our lives, like having another mommy.

Now, we have not sat down yet and talked to these girls about us, but they are smart, they know and they are doing great with all of it. Many folks say they have never seen these girls this happy. That's comforting.

So, after some other strange events, she calls for me. She asked me if I would have Michelle call her, she had a few questions for her. As we turn to walk opposite ways, I hear this little voice say what I kept hoping she would NOT say....................

"Mommy". "Mommy". The grandmother laughed and asked her who she was talking to. Again the little one said "Mommy" and ran to me. By now the little one and I are in the bedroom talking and all I kept thinking "I can only imagine what this woman may be thinking."

That visit had to have been a lot for her.

Later on this evening, the girls come in from playing outside with a neighbor friend, who is 5 and they are talking about what they will name their kids when they have them. I contributed some different names to this conversation and the little girl asked me if I had children. Our 8 year old speaks up, very excited and says...............................

"Yeah, Stephanie lives here, she is moving with us, she is our step mother and she married my Mom", all in one breath.

There are complications when you are still partially in the closet, but rest assure, kids will always help you out with them.

A Jesus moment

2008-04-26T18:28:00.000-07:00

We had a friend over tonight and while visiting, we were listening to the radio (something I rarely do) and this song that I hadn't heard in years came on.

My friend and I sat there listening to the words, in awe, thinking of our Jesus. Teary eyed, I found myself being refreshed just thinking of all that our Jesus has done for us and how much He loves each and every one of us, deeply, passionately, sincerely and unconditional.

I then happen to find this on youtube and wanted to share............................

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46JlGITwe80

I hope you enjoy it just as we did, if not more.

I didn't want to be gay.

2008-04-19T16:22:00.001-07:00

I remember the day my Mom asked me about Michelle and I. She just flat out asked me if there was something going on between us. I stood there feeling like a little kid getting ready to confess. I always told myself that when that day came, I would be straight forward with her. So, after telling her, I cried.

Standing there with my pocket full of fear, anxiety and tears, I said, "I don't want to be gay." She got kind of teary eyed, hugged me and said "I know".

I didn't want to be gay. I didn't want to be that person everyone would look at differently. With some people, if you tell them you're gay, all of the sudden they think you can't relate to anything. You know, the "Oh, you're one of them, you couldn't possibly understand". I didn't want people treating me differently. I didn't want people looking at me and thinking, "she can't be gay and Christian". I didn't want to explain the concept to people. I just wanted them to get it, to accept me as I was, a child of God trying to follow Christ. I didn't want to be closeted for fear of rejection. I didn't want the pain that comes with being rejected. I didn't want the deal with any of it! I admit it, I was kind of mad, I didn't want to be gay!

I wanted the "normal" life. Funny, I say I wanted the normal life, but never really seen myself marrying or having kids. Heck, I didn't even date a man once that whole time I was straight. :)

By the way, Michelle brought something to my attention the other day. Why do we refer to heterosexual people as straight? As if we gay folks, are crooked or something? We should stop saying that.

Anyway, I began to see that I was wasn't in a very good place. My emotions were everywhere, like a roller coaster. I was plagued with worry and fear of rejection by my family, my friends and my church family. I also remember thinking, "Oh great, now that I'm gay again, I'm going to become that reckless person I was in the past!" Again, I associated being gay to all the dysfunctional behavior and addictions I had before I came to Christ.

The Lord began to show me that I wasn't that person anymore. I was His, made in His image and washed by His blood. I was given a new life, I was taught new ways and although I tried to go back to some old habits and behaviors, I never had peace, I had emptiness. I just wasn't that person anymore.

I'm still excited and grateful that the Lord picked up that person that I use to be, washed me clean, sat me on His lap and told me who I was!

The God hole that use to be so empty was filled up!

I was reminded that all I truly needed was Him. I didn't need the approval of others, no matter who they are. I slowly began to get over what people thought of me, I started to let go of some of my fears and began to see that it was ok not to be like everyone else, it was ok not to run with the popular belief and majority rules crowd.

It was a blessing to be an outcast. I was becoming more like Jesus.

Hang on!

2008-04-19T10:00:00.000-07:00

I want to encourage those who are hurting, aching, longing and in situations that just seem to really suck......................hang on. Hang on tight. If you can't seem to do anything else, just hang on tight. That's it.

Happiness & Joy

2008-04-16T21:30:00.000-07:00

In my own life, I am beginning to see that, at times, it is hard for me to just allow myself to be fully happy with all that have. I mean, to allow myself to be and feel fully blessed. It's like I have this meter inside me that says...."Ok, you are full of 70% happiness and joy, that's it, you're full. No more. I think I sometimes stop myself from being any happier. Maybe I think I don't deserve more.

I say......

"Ok God, that's it, that's all I can take. I have you, good health, food, shelter and clothing, I'm done, I'm full, you don't need to give me anymore."

He says......

"Ok, but what if I want to give you more?" Now don't get me wrong, I think it is wonderful and right when we regconize that we are truly blessed if we have only those things I just listed. But what if God wants to bless us with more and more and more and more? Will we allow it?

I had been single for approximatley 3 years and I was really full of joy! I had this wonderful, new relationship with the Lord, my life was changing for the better and I felt really good! I was content and satisfied with where I was and with who I was. I wasn't lonely, I wasn't really bored, I was content.

And then came along Michelle. Wow!

We had known of each other in church but had never really talked until we began talking about the ministry that was being put together. We just clicked. Within a very short amount of time, we became the best of friends and fell in love. The love has been like no other that either one of us have felt before.

I had met the most incredible woman who has such a loving heart and a passion for God and His people and each time we got close, I would run the other way. Unintentionally, I hurt her over and over again. The love she has for me is big to endure what she did and has with me. I even questioned if that was for real.

I didn't know how to have a healthy, Christ centered relationship with someone else, where the feelings and love is so mutual. I went through moments where I would revert back to old behavoir until God would remind me that I wasn't that person anymore. So, here I am, learning how to have a healthy, stable, Christ centered relationship with the love of my life.

It's wonderful, she is wonderful. She melts me, takes my breath away, she completes me.

There are a lot of exciting things going on in our lives now. We are a family, all living under the same roof. She has encouraged me to quite my job (which I have wanted to quit for some time), stay home, help home school two wonderful, beautiful little girls and we are headed to seminary in August! How exciting!

But I think I allow fear to steal some of those exciting moments from me. As I have told Michelle before, "I am amazed at what I feel when I allow myself to feel it." When I look at everything coming together as it has and having all that I have, I am overwhelmed.

Michelle, thank you. Thank you so much for hanging in there with me. For your patience which stems from your deep love for me. Thank you for loving me for who I am, without any requirements and for loving me right where I'm at, even when I'm crazy in a not so healthy way. Thank you for allowing me the time and the space to work through all this without any pressure.

You are such a beautiful woman in every way. I thank God for the wonderful gift that He has given me in you and the girls. I love you an look forward to our lives together!

What's there to argue about?

2008-04-16T16:54:00.000-07:00

I'm in the process of writing more about what I have experienced in my own life within the last year, but for now, a chain of events has lead me to find the lyrics to this song and I want to share them with you.

Love is but a song to sing
Fear's the way we die
You can make the mountains ring
Or make the angels cry
Though the bird is on the wing
And you may not know why

Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now

Some may come and some may go
We shall surely pass
When the one that left us here
Returns for us at
We are but a moment's sunlight
Fading in the grass

Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now

Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now

Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now

If you hear the song I sing
You will understand (listen!)
You hold the key to love and fear
All in your trembling hand
Just one key unlocks them both
It's there at your command

Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now

Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now

I said, Come on people now, Smile on your brother, Everybody get together, Try to love one another Right now, Right now, Right now.

Seems simple. What's there to argue about?

So many questions

2008-04-10T12:43:00.000-07:00

In my previous post, I shared that I had made the decision to move forward with this incredible woman I had met. So everyone knows, that wasn't an easy decision to make and it was not one made lightly. This is not something I would ever suggest someone doing. I had to have a complete peace about it before I made it. Which is a little difficult when you are torn in so many directions with thoughts, emotions and so many unanswered questions.

I'm not sure if I can fully explain the feeling, but I will try. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was not to let her go. Although it didn't make sense to me then, because it went against everything I knew, I knew I was suppose to hang on to her and not walk away. I remember saying to myself, "yeah, but....., yeah, but". Although there were so many unanswered questions and fears, I was scared to make the wrong decisions.....no, not scared-petrified. Petrified that I was going to hurt and disappoint so many people, petrified that I was going to go to hell and take others with me. I mean, come on, this went against anything I read in the bible.

There were a lot of things to consider and a lot of people to think about. How was it all going to work? What if it doesn't work? What about the kids? What about the ministry we were involved in? What will people think? Did I just make a decision that was to doom us all? Have I disappoint ed God again? Could I still serve the Lord and be with her? So many unanswered questions.

Although I was scared, I was shown that all the details would be taken care of it. Everything would work out. That was a bit unsettling and comforting all at the same time.

We made a decision to move forward but we didn't know how. She was married. This was not to be taken lightly. I believe marriage is to be taken seriously with the intent and the motive in ones heart to love and serve each other every day, for the rest of their lives. So, regardless of the circumstances, this was terribly hard.

Through a chain of events that had taken place though, things seemed to work themselves out, without us doing anything. In order to share this part of my journey, I would have to include a few other people and disclose the details of their life and I don't feel it's appropriate to do that. So, to keep it short, their marriage ended and understandable so. Shortly after that decision was made, while the papers where being filed, her soon to be ex-husband and her sat down, prayed with each other and released one another from that marriage.

But, for me, that still seemed to be just the beginning. There were still so many unanswered questions.

Circumstances and Events

2008-04-09T13:44:00.000-07:00

In my previous post I mentioned circumstances and events took place in my life that caused me to look deeper into scripture, into my faith and into my relationship with God. I very unexpectedly met and fell love with a very incredible woman. She is the one I have always wanted, I just never knew she existed.

We met at church, she was married and in complete denial about her sexuality. So much in denial, she didn't even know she was gay. I was finishing up with a "how not to be gay program" and in the midst of bringing a healing/recovery program to our church. Within no time, we found ourselves completely in love with one another. Which is usually suppose to be great, but considering the circumstances, it was very scary and exciting all at the same time.

We were both in leadership at a our conservative church, she was married, with kids, I wasn't suppose to be gay anymore and she had never been gay ;) . For me, it was all a bit much to take in. This wasn't how things were suppose to go. I wasn't suppose to be gay anymore, I was beginning to believe I wasn't. I was single, happy to be alone, very content living my life serving the Lord. Many times I had just accepted the idea of being alone for the rest of my life. So when things took an unexpectant turn in my life, I did what many people do under stress and act irrational. Sad to admit, but sometimes we just don't handle things in the best way.

I broke her heart and ran away from that relationship 5 times. It ripped her heart out and mine each time I said "I can't do this anymore". It still brings tears to my eyes when I think of those times. The pain was intense. I was torn in two different directions, either give in and be gay or continue to serve the Lord. I didn't understand then that there may be the option to do both. Each time I left, she did everything that she could to support my decision and be understanding. It has taken me awhile to believe and understand how much this woman really loves me. It wasn't a love that was desperate to be with someone, it wasn't lust, it wasn't a physical thing, it was truly the real thing and it had taken us both by surprise.

After the last time I said I couldn't do it anymore, I spent some time to myself and began to ask some real questions....

"Have you ever really looked in to what the bible really has to say about the subject?"
"Have you just believed what others have taught you just because it sounded good?" Not just the subject of homosexuality either but other subjects as well. "Have you ever really just sat down and talked to God about this?" "What actually is so wrong about being gay?" And the questions just came flooding.

I had spent 15 years in what many call the "lifestyle" and acquired many dysfunctional behaviors and addictions along the way. In 2004, I hit an all time low in my life. I was addicted to cocaine and pain pills, I drank to get drunk, I quite my job and lost most everything I had. Because I couldn't take it anymore and didn't really know what to do with my life, I drop to my knees and cried out to Jesus for the first time ever. My life has never been the same since. I fell in love with Jesus and He truly became my best friend

He began to make many changes in my life and because I recalled all the bad things and all the things that didn't work out while being gay, I choose to try and not be gay anymore. I associated every bad thing in my life to being gay. Now I was at a place where I had to think about this a little deeper.

Was my bad behavior and my poor choices associated with being gay? Seeing clearly now, the answer is no. I mean, I know straight folks who have done horrible things prior to knowing Christ and after knowing Christ. But back then, I think it was easier for me to associate my poor behavior on being gay because that's what I have heard all my life. "Gay people are just wrong, wrong wrong, they're are going to hell, hell, hell and some of the things those gay people do. They are more prone to being addicted to drugs, more prone to being promiscuous...blah, blah, blah. "

Not to mention all the garbage that you see on T.V. and in movies about gay folks. The examples given about our relationships. No wonder many straight folks think we are whacked. I am sure many people assume things about us based on what they see on the screen. Little do they know, it's usually a straight person making the film, trying to make a few dollars.

I can see I am getting off track here. What I was trying to share before I turned left is I never really asked myself the tougher questions. Where it is suggested to us to "test everything", I never tested anything I had been taught. I never asked the questions, I never looked deeper. I never really had to. I had already heard of every reason why it was wrong, I went to ex-gay school. But I never took the time, in the two and a half years that I was alone to look in to the other side of the subject. Maybe I was too scared.

After some time to myself, I had a choice to make and I made one. A hard one. One that I'm sure many would try to argue with me about. Lose the most incredible person I have ever met in my life or go back and get her, hang on to her and see if you can work it out all the other stuff. I made the choice to go back and get her.

Some things are just not clear cut, in black and white. Sometimes you do have to take a chance. If we had all the answers, we wouldn't need faith. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn't lose the one I had always wanted.

I can't begin to express how glad I am that I made that decision.

The question still remained though, could I keep the love of my life and serve the Lord too?

An introduction

2008-04-06T17:41:00.000-07:00

My name is Stephanie, I'm a Christian. I love the Lord, I want to serve Him with all my heart, my soul, my strength and with all my days. I'm passionate about serving Him, His people and His kingdom work. If one were to ask what defines me, I would have to tell them......He does. I am first and foremost, a Christian. A Jesus freak, a lover of the Lord. My identity is in Christ.

I am also a lesbian. A Christian who is gay. For any straight folks out there that are reading this and don't get it, that's ok. I didn't get it either. But circumstances and events have taken place in my life that have caused me to look deeper into scripture, into my faith and into my relationship with God.

The journey I have been on within the last year of my life has been, at times, painful, very confusing, exciting and exasperating. Sometimes, all at the same time. Much like being on a very long roller coaster ride.

I have fought against my feelings, I have questioned my faith, my beliefs, my morals and my character. I have been stripped like an antique piece of furniture getting ready to be refinished, I have wrestled with God and with His help, have fought against those not so loving voices in my head. The voices of doubt and condemnation.

Today and for probably the last week of my life, I have had more peace about all this than ever. I have hope. I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am beginning to share all of this with others for myself, in hopes to sort even more out and so I will never forget the great things God has done through this and in hopes that it will encourage others.

For anyone who is in a storm, a battle, a struggle to reconcile their faith with their sexuality, I pray for your strength and encourage you to hang on to the hand of hope, even when you don't think He wants to hang on to yours. He does and He is. Hang on tight. It's worth it.

2008-04-05T21:17:00.000-07:00

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope implies a certain amount of despair, wanting, wishing, suffering or perseverance — i.e., believing that a better or positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary. -Wikipedia

Stay tuned.......there's more to come.