Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Happiness & Joy

In my own life, I am beginning to see that, at times, it is hard for me to just allow myself to be fully happy with all that have. I mean, to allow myself to be and feel fully blessed. It's like I have this meter inside me that says...."Ok, you are full of 70% happiness and joy, that's it, you're full. No more. I think I sometimes stop myself from being any happier. Maybe I think I don't deserve more.

I say......

"Ok God, that's it, that's all I can take. I have you, good health, food, shelter and clothing, I'm done, I'm full, you don't need to give me anymore."

He says......

"Ok, but what if I want to give you more?" Now don't get me wrong, I think it is wonderful and right when we regconize that we are truly blessed if we have only those things I just listed. But what if God wants to bless us with more and more and more and more? Will we allow it?

I had been single for approximatley 3 years and I was really full of joy! I had this wonderful, new relationship with the Lord, my life was changing for the better and I felt really good! I was content and satisfied with where I was and with who I was. I wasn't lonely, I wasn't really bored, I was content.

And then came along Michelle. Wow!

We had known of each other in church but had never really talked until we began talking about the ministry that was being put together. We just clicked. Within a very short amount of time, we became the best of friends and fell in love. The love has been like no other that either one of us have felt before.

I had met the most incredible woman who has such a loving heart and a passion for God and His people and each time we got close, I would run the other way. Unintentionally, I hurt her over and over again. The love she has for me is big to endure what she did and has with me. I even questioned if that was for real.

I didn't know how to have a healthy, Christ centered relationship with someone else, where the feelings and love is so mutual. I went through moments where I would revert back to old behavoir until God would remind me that I wasn't that person anymore. So, here I am, learning how to have a healthy, stable, Christ centered relationship with the love of my life.

It's wonderful, she is wonderful. She melts me, takes my breath away, she completes me.

There are a lot of exciting things going on in our lives now. We are a family, all living under the same roof. She has encouraged me to quite my job (which I have wanted to quit for some time), stay home, help home school two wonderful, beautiful little girls and we are headed to seminary in August! How exciting!

But I think I allow fear to steal some of those exciting moments from me. As I have told Michelle before, "I am amazed at what I feel when I allow myself to feel it." When I look at everything coming together as it has and having all that I have, I am overwhelmed.

Michelle, thank you. Thank you so much for hanging in there with me. For your patience which stems from your deep love for me. Thank you for loving me for who I am, without any requirements and for loving me right where I'm at, even when I'm crazy in a not so healthy way. Thank you for allowing me the time and the space to work through all this without any pressure.

You are such a beautiful woman in every way. I thank God for the wonderful gift that He has given me in you and the girls. I love you an look forward to our lives together!


Anonymous said...

Oh boy, are you head over heels in love or what?! I'm happy for you Stephanie...and Michelle.

Stephanie said...

anita-Yes I am! Wow! Overwhelmed.

Joni said...

I'm happy for you both!

Stephanie said...

Thanks Joni!