Saturday, April 19, 2008

I didn't want to be gay.

I remember the day my Mom asked me about Michelle and I. She just flat out asked me if there was something going on between us. I stood there feeling like a little kid getting ready to confess. I always told myself that when that day came, I would be straight forward with her. So, after telling her, I cried.

Standing there with my pocket full of fear, anxiety and tears, I said, "I don't want to be gay." She got kind of teary eyed, hugged me and said "I know".

I didn't want to be gay. I didn't want to be that person everyone would look at differently. With some people, if you tell them you're gay, all of the sudden they think you can't relate to anything. You know, the "Oh, you're one of them, you couldn't possibly understand". I didn't want people treating me differently. I didn't want people looking at me and thinking, "she can't be gay and Christian". I didn't want to explain the concept to people. I just wanted them to get it, to accept me as I was, a child of God trying to follow Christ. I didn't want to be closeted for fear of rejection. I didn't want the pain that comes with being rejected. I didn't want the deal with any of it! I admit it, I was kind of mad, I didn't want to be gay!

I wanted the "normal" life. Funny, I say I wanted the normal life, but never really seen myself marrying or having kids. Heck, I didn't even date a man once that whole time I was straight. :)

By the way, Michelle brought something to my attention the other day. Why do we refer to heterosexual people as straight? As if we gay folks, are crooked or something? We should stop saying that.

Anyway, I began to see that I was wasn't in a very good place. My emotions were everywhere, like a roller coaster. I was plagued with worry and fear of rejection by my family, my friends and my church family. I also remember thinking, "Oh great, now that I'm gay again, I'm going to become that reckless person I was in the past!" Again, I associated being gay to all the dysfunctional behavior and addictions I had before I came to Christ.

The Lord began to show me that I wasn't that person anymore. I was His, made in His image and washed by His blood. I was given a new life, I was taught new ways and although I tried to go back to some old habits and behaviors, I never had peace, I had emptiness. I just wasn't that person anymore.

I'm still excited and grateful that the Lord picked up that person that I use to be, washed me clean, sat me on His lap and told me who I was!

The God hole that use to be so empty was filled up!

I was reminded that all I truly needed was Him. I didn't need the approval of others, no matter who they are. I slowly began to get over what people thought of me, I started to let go of some of my fears and began to see that it was ok not to be like everyone else, it was ok not to run with the popular belief and majority rules crowd.

It was a blessing to be an outcast. I was becoming more like Jesus.


Anonymous said...

Stephanie, What a GREAT post and so many places in which I could relate personally.

As to your comment on the word "straight", I'm not sure how that term developed but at least for me it doesn't imply that gay people are "crooked" and even if it did, for that to be a negative term one would have to place more value on something being straight than crooked and personally I much prefer the beauty of driving the curvy 101 highway that runs along the California coast than the long, yawn-able straight highway that cuts through Bakersfield and the valley :)

Seriously though, in my writing and speech, if I'm dialogging with people who use the word "homosexual" then I tend to use "heterosexual" and in the same manner I partner "straight" with "gay and lesbian". I tend to also use the word "queer" and see it only as a positive and widely-inclusive term while I know for some gay folks it's a term they don't like at all. I think we each find the language that feels the most comfortable to us.

Stephanie said...


I hear what you're saying about the word straight and I completely agree. We should all use the language we are most comfortable with.

Besides it being a funny thought, it was more of something to think about. I do believe there are some gay folks out there, that due to some abuse from others feel as if they are less than someone who is straight.

As always, thanks for your input and all you do, you are greatly appreciated!

Wormwood's Doxy said...

I'm glad your mom was supportive, Stephanie. I've watched enough of my friends come out to know it's not always that way...and is such a blessing when it IS.

I'm not sure about the etymology for "straight" as applied to heterosexuals, but I would guess it isn't particularly friendly to GLBTs.

Years ago, one of my gay friends cured me of saying "go straight ahead", though---now I always say "Go gaily forward!" ;-)

Stephanie said...

Thanks Doxy.

"Gaily forward"

I like that.