Wednesday, June 11, 2008


One of the HARDEST times I have ever had in my life was not that long ago. I had already made the decision not to let go of Michelle and was in the thick of trying figure out how to reconcile my faith with being gay, in that order. That's sounds somewhat easy, but no, not so much. Something like that is never easy, especially when you are learning how to develop and have a healthy relationship with someone and also learning how to be a good parent to a 5 and 8 year old.

Things changed in my life quickly and although I have loved all the new experiences with Michelle and the girls, I had my own personal struggle going on inside, my own little personal hell. Being tugged back and forth between whether I was doing the wrong thing or the right thing and whether or not I could be gay and still follow God. Wow, did I hear a lot of things and for the longest time, I believed that maybe those things were coming from God. At one point I thought maybe God was being a little too hard core with me, something I have yet to experience.

I soon realized that it wasn't God tossing me back and forth everywhere, it was man! I realized this at around the same time that I began to learn a lot about motives. Bare with me for a bit. Now, I have gone through one of the famous ex gay programs and I have heard time and time again what the church has to say about homosexuality and there are quite of few people on the net willing to add to all the negativity and hype. Anyway, my point being, I, like many others and by various methods have been slapped upside the head with how sick I am, how perverted and dysfunctional I am, how I can't be gay and God's too, how I'm selfish and a backslider and blah, blah, blah, blah.

So, after time, these little messages would take hold of me, they would pop up and play over and over again in my head. The confusion was heavy and thick. There were some days that I would just cry because I wanted the confusion to stop, it was torturous. Now some may say, "yeah, you were torn because you were going against God and yielding to your sin." Yeah, I thought that too for a moment until I realized that was really wasn't the truth.

The message was we (we=gay folks) were suppose to be people who didn't really care about God, who were selfishly out to satisfy our own lusts and desires. We were suppose to be unhappy, unhealthy, self centered people with a lot of drama going on. We were suppose to be those people who had no morals, no ethics and an agenda. We were suppose to be abnormal. We were suppose to be the message that I have heard time and time again and the message that kept playing over and over again in my head.

My life didn't seem to match up to that message, I didn't seem to match up to that message and neither did Michelle. This love was like nothing I have ever experienced and our focus seemed to be on the right things...God, each other, the kids, family, the Father's business and His people. We were/are doing the work of the Lord in and out of the 4 walls that many call church. This wasn't coinciding with the message I had always received about us gay folks.

I do believe another reason I felt conflicted was not only because our life did not represent the typical stereo type, but because of how I lived prior to accepting Christ. I was doing some questionable things and feared that I would fall back in to those things. I am pretty sure that I have attempted to set myself up for failure. Like somewhere inside of me, I said "Ok, now that you decided to be gay again :), God turned has turned his back on you, he has let you go, now you are going to really fall. You're going to fall back into all your old ways and then some.

I think I may have said this in a previous post, maybe not, but I did attempt to pick up some of the things from my past, bad habits I once had, bad behaviors. I did this for a moment and it scared me, because I di dthink I was becoming that person again. But I quickly realized that wasn't me anymore, I was different now and each time I attempted to go back, there he was, still loving me.

Anyway, back to motive. In the midst of all the struggling, wrestling with God and attempting to find my way through the thick cloud of confusion, I was prompted to think about motive. What was the motive in my heart for being with Michelle? Were they real and genuine or were they selfish? Did they come from a pure heart or one plagued with selfish desires? It was like I was being asked "what is your business here?" Is is to be selfish or selfless? I also began asking that same question about other people and the things they do and say, but I think I will save that for a whole other post.

I started asking myself questions like.....

Was my motive to be with her because I was lonely and needed to fill a void? Uh, no, I had no void. Seriously, I was full, I was happy. I had a void prior to Christ, but I did not before Michelle and I still don't.

Was I afraid of living alone for the rest of my life? Nope. As strange as that sounds, not at all. I accepted the fact that I may die alone. That was ok, because I really never felt alone. I was all good as long as I could do the Lord's work.

Was it because she spoiled me with her endless giving without requirements? Um, no. Although I find that so very sweet, I didn't really need much to begin with. I lived pretty modestly. Didn't have much, didn't need much. (Haven't always been like that, it was something the Lord taught me.)

Was it because I was attention deprived and I needed my ego fed? Nope. I got a lot of positive attention and I really didn't care if I got a drop more.

Was it because she adored me and would do anything for me? Well, yeah. Partially. But isn't that a part of being in love? Sure it is! I adore her and would do anything for her too! Hm. that doesn't sound lustful or sinful. I searched out my heart and the motives of my heart and asked every question I could that had everything to do with those negative little stereo types I learned throughout my life and in the ex gay school.

It appears that the motives of my heart are true and pure. To love Michelle with all my heart, selflessly, even on the days I want to do nothing but think about myself. All while attempting to keep God first in all things and trying to figure out what it means to be more like Jesus. Along with serving and loving all of God's people while working endlessly at raising two children to grow in love and helping them to become Godly, selfless and conscience about serving others. That is my agenda, those are my motives and those are the things we are doing.

I believe God honors that.

As we see in the bible so many times, Jesus gets a little annoyed because the Pharisees would ask him a question about the law. I don't believe Jesus got annoyed because of the questions, but because of their motives behind the questions. He knew what was in there heart and he knows what is in mine.

The stereo types are being broken down and shattered. The little negative messages that were brought to me by way of churches, pastors, the ex gay ministry and some other Christians are being laid to rest.

I once heard this little saying, ironically from a man who was attempting to be straight. He said-

"God didn't call us to be heterosexual or homosexual, he called us to be holy."

Be holy.

"Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don't ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise."
-Philippians 4:8


Ceara said...

Good post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and journey with us out here in reader land.


wvhillcountry said...

What a good post. I liked the way you broke it down and looked at the motives behind everything.

Stephanie said...

Ceara-You are welcome and a big fat thank you right back at ya for sharing with us.

Hill-Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed the quite lengthy post.

Hidden in Christ said...

wow wow and wow. you just wrote the story of my heart. well done sistah.

flayed Hypatia said...

Great post! You speak for a lot of us, my sister.