Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Circumstances and Events

In my previous post I mentioned circumstances and events took place in my life that caused me to look deeper into scripture, into my faith and into my relationship with God. I very unexpectedly met and fell love with a very incredible woman. She is the one I have always wanted, I just never knew she existed.

We met at church, she was married and in complete denial about her sexuality. So much in denial, she didn't even know she was gay. I was finishing up with a "how not to be gay program" and in the midst of bringing a healing/recovery program to our church. Within no time, we found ourselves completely in love with one another. Which is usually suppose to be great, but considering the circumstances, it was very scary and exciting all at the same time.

We were both in leadership at a our conservative church, she was married, with kids, I wasn't suppose to be gay anymore and she had never been gay ;) . For me, it was all a bit much to take in. This wasn't how things were suppose to go. I wasn't suppose to be gay anymore, I was beginning to believe I wasn't. I was single, happy to be alone, very content living my life serving the Lord. Many times I had just accepted the idea of being alone for the rest of my life. So when things took an unexpectant turn in my life, I did what many people do under stress and act irrational. Sad to admit, but sometimes we just don't handle things in the best way.

I broke her heart and ran away from that relationship 5 times. It ripped her heart out and mine each time I said "I can't do this anymore". It still brings tears to my eyes when I think of those times. The pain was intense. I was torn in two different directions, either give in and be gay or continue to serve the Lord. I didn't understand then that there may be the option to do both. Each time I left, she did everything that she could to support my decision and be understanding. It has taken me awhile to believe and understand how much this woman really loves me. It wasn't a love that was desperate to be with someone, it wasn't lust, it wasn't a physical thing, it was truly the real thing and it had taken us both by surprise.

After the last time I said I couldn't do it anymore, I spent some time to myself and began to ask some real questions....

"Have you ever really looked in to what the bible really has to say about the subject?"
"Have you just believed what others have taught you just because it sounded good?" Not just the subject of homosexuality either but other subjects as well. "Have you ever really just sat down and talked to God about this?" "What actually is so wrong about being gay?" And the questions just came flooding.

I had spent 15 years in what many call the "lifestyle" and acquired many dysfunctional behaviors and addictions along the way. In 2004, I hit an all time low in my life. I was addicted to cocaine and pain pills, I drank to get drunk, I quite my job and lost most everything I had. Because I couldn't take it anymore and didn't really know what to do with my life, I drop to my knees and cried out to Jesus for the first time ever. My life has never been the same since. I fell in love with Jesus and He truly became my best friend

He began to make many changes in my life and because I recalled all the bad things and all the things that didn't work out while being gay, I choose to try and not be gay anymore. I associated every bad thing in my life to being gay. Now I was at a place where I had to think about this a little deeper.

Was my bad behavior and my poor choices associated with being gay? Seeing clearly now, the answer is no. I mean, I know straight folks who have done horrible things prior to knowing Christ and after knowing Christ. But back then, I think it was easier for me to associate my poor behavior on being gay because that's what I have heard all my life. "Gay people are just wrong, wrong wrong, they're are going to hell, hell, hell and some of the things those gay people do. They are more prone to being addicted to drugs, more prone to being promiscuous...blah, blah, blah. "

Not to mention all the garbage that you see on T.V. and in movies about gay folks. The examples given about our relationships. No wonder many straight folks think we are whacked. I am sure many people assume things about us based on what they see on the screen. Little do they know, it's usually a straight person making the film, trying to make a few dollars.

I can see I am getting off track here. What I was trying to share before I turned left is I never really asked myself the tougher questions. Where it is suggested to us to "test everything", I never tested anything I had been taught. I never asked the questions, I never looked deeper. I never really had to. I had already heard of every reason why it was wrong, I went to ex-gay school. But I never took the time, in the two and a half years that I was alone to look in to the other side of the subject. Maybe I was too scared.

After some time to myself, I had a choice to make and I made one. A hard one. One that I'm sure many would try to argue with me about. Lose the most incredible person I have ever met in my life or go back and get her, hang on to her and see if you can work it out all the other stuff. I made the choice to go back and get her.

Some things are just not clear cut, in black and white. Sometimes you do have to take a chance. If we had all the answers, we wouldn't need faith. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn't lose the one I had always wanted.

I can't begin to express how glad I am that I made that decision.

The question still remained though, could I keep the love of my life and serve the Lord too?

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